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My head knows today is a birthday,
the date reverberates in my mind like listening to an old song
and remembering the lyrics without even trying

My heart knows today is a birthday.
It’s been celebrating it since it first began pumping.
It was one of the reasons mine was filled with blood in the first place

But this birthday doesn’t change
even if I occasionally do the math in my head
forty-eight, but technically fifty.
Forty-eight, but really sixty-one.

The deathday looms in the distance
emptying this date out until it’s hollow
and echoes stale memories and half-hearted attempts at keeping something alive
anything alive, so this day isn’t just a reminder
of a birthdate with an end date.

The only ones that remember are the ones that hurt too
and those that forget hurt when I make them remember
without wanting them to remember
but I do remember, and I can’t help it,
because they don’t know, but my heart does
they don’t know but my head does,
and they don’t know but they see me
because its Monday and the sun is shining
and they can’t understand why I’m off
so I tell them, so I share something,
and then its a constant cycle of I’m sorries that never ends
even if everything else did

Don’t worry, I tell them.
Please don’t worry. I say.
It isn’t your job to remember.
You have your own days on the calendar
that echo your own lost souls.

And if I remember them, I’ll worry for you.
Only because I know the gray color that floods your day
turning even the sunniest skies to a storm –
even if it’s just inside your thoughts.
But I won’t say sorry for forgetting.
I won’t say sorry that it’s just another day for me

Today is a birthday with a deathday coming soon
Today was a regular Monday in June for so many
but tomorrow will be a birthday with an end date for someone else
and for me, it’ll just be Tuesday
and that’s ok.